Lord make me an instrument of Your Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy. 

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive, 

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, 

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Trust His Timing

Before I go to sleep, I just want to say that it breaks my heart and makes me cry that we did not get what we prayed for you.

I also want you to know that I am very proud of how you have wonderfully grown and evolved these past few months. Your life has not been easy and there were perhaps times when you probably doubted yourself and almost gave up. But the dauntless warrior in you and that indomitable spirit of yours  just kept you going. You never gave up, and that alone is a victory.

I am sorry for the times when I seemed out of touch and wasn't there for you when I got caught up juggling so many other things.  But God knows there was never a  day that I didn't  pray for you, and for your dreams to come true. And there never was a single moment where my love for you and my belief in what you are capable of doing ever faltered. That has and never will happen.

No matter where the coming days or months or years will bring you, please know that I am just here. I'm on your boat for the long haul, rowing with you no matter where your journeys will take you. It doesn't end here.

I hope you will never lose heart and give up on your dreams. Just keep dreaming, working and praying for it. One day, when you finally reach that destiny of yours, you will realize why you have to go through all that.

In time, all things will fall into place. All that we have to do, as you and I always did,  is to trust His timing.

I love you ate. Good night.

Sorry

Someday It Will All Make Sense

...why God put you in someone else's story and why they are in yours...

...why it confuses you to distinguish the greater pain between losing someone who died or someone who lives.

...why things fall into place, then fall apart, only to fall in place again.

...why there are stories that cannot and should not end the way others expect and want them to.

...why you cannot just walk away.

...why you are still here to see this beautiful day.

Still A Girl Who Needs Her Dad

Dearest Daddy,

I want to start by saying that I have never been the same the day you left us. 

Almost a year has passed and I still wake up weeping in the middle of the night, feeling that gaping hole in my heart. 

I miss you... your infectious laughter... your silent approval of everything I do... how you genuinely love and care for my Ej and my Edgar... seeing you sitting peacefully in your favorite side of the bed while watching your favorite Kapamilya shows...  talking to you while we are having that little chit chat over a cup of coffee, or during our weekend dates.

The list just goes on and on. There is not a day that I wish you were still with us. I still go home feeling those pangs of sadness and grief at the thought that you won't be there to welcome me home. 

Broken... that's who I have been and how I will always be for the rest of my life without you.  


Losing you has been my life's greatest tragedy. 

I am somehow amazed at our strength and courage as a family to get on with our lives the past year without you. 

Perhaps, it is still you up there guiding us and Mommy to move on with our lives, just like how you have moved on in the great beyond to live eternally with our Creator.

I love you Daddy. I will always be your favorite little girl, and you will forever be my favorite superhero. 

If Only...

If only you would be kinder than necessary...

If only you would be grateful for what and who you already have...

If only you would learn to count your blessings and not focus on what and who you lack in life...

If only you would - for one moment - try to be happy and find inspiration in the achievements of others...

If only you would stop the hate and focus on nurturing your own happiness...

If only you could step out in the open and say what you wanted to say - no matter how cruel - to your innocent targets without lurking in the dark...

If only you would try to control your own demons and stop hurting people who haven't done you any harm...

If only you would choose empathy for the misery of others rather than gossip or harshly laugh at their perceived "failures"...

If you would only teach your sons or your daughters to compete with no one else but themselves...

If only you would tell them that they don't have to always win because losing is a sad reality of life, and it's not their fault if they sometimes fall short of expectations...

If you would only teach them about the value of self worth without forgetting about respect for others regardless of their stature in life...

If you would only choose to love without expecting anything in return...

Then you would make this world a much better and peaceful place to live in.

May you not forget to come home to your loved ones a much happier person.

Beloved...Treasured...Cherished

"We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason."

Have you ever experienced that once in a lifetime moment where – right in the middle of your long-drawn grief and unabated misery due to your father’s heartbreaking death - a beautiful distraction comes along and suddenly your life is never the same again?

Have you ever felt that inexplicable connection with someone who – on a rainy day - casually strides in front of your eyes and into your life without warning, and right away you just know that person was simply meant to be there?

I was blessed enough to experience these and more with a 21-year-old fascinating dreamer from “Ulo ng Apo” who I endearingly call my “Ate Charo”. I call her that because our authentic bond basically started on a dramatic note… with text exchanges that began with her lost Estee Lauder brush set on July 7, 2018 at 9:33 PM, which eventually progressed into day long till the wee hours of the morning FB messenger chats starting at 1:18AM of July 13, 2018.

Everything has been a chaotic roller coaster ride since then with her. Like any mother/aunt-daughter, best friend kind-of-thing relationship, ours is never be perfect. There were days when we would talk about the silliest, most mundane things like my pet peeve for her chafed nail polish and jabba-like photos plus her ill-timed “erna” moments. But there are far more priceless hours of sombre moments when we converse about the happiest, saddest, shitty chapters of our colourful, melodramatic lives.

Because of her, I now believe that people do not just randomly appear into our lives, and there is always a reason and a purpose behind it. The timing of Ate Charo’s coming into my life has been a crucial turning point. She rescued me from the middle of nowhere as I am still grieving and was on a downward spiral 8 months into my father’s death. She became a wonderful breather from losing the only parent who saw me as his favourite and pride among three kids. And I will forever be grateful to her, because she made me realize that blood is not a requisite for someone to be truly a part of your life. That all you need is unconditional kindness, love, understanding and acceptance, despite all your unforgiveable flaws.

I see Ate Charo as a girl bravely fighting her own demons – like her insecurities – while on her quest to find her place on earth and chasing her dream to be a beauty queen. I have seen first-hand how committed she is to her passion and her dream despite some incomprehensible, sad and hurtful challenges that tend to break her spirit. She is a valiant warrior who does not allow her detractors to get the better of her. 

I hope that I have somehow inspired her to see her true worth... that she is far more precious than who she thinks she really is, and that only she has the power to make a better version of herself each day. That is the only way I can repay her for the boundless joy and calm she has given me the past two months. 

I was at my happiest tonight (August 5, 2018) because my Ate Charo proved her mettle on that beauty pageant stage. She achieved her target to be at least in the Top 3. She says she did it for her parents and the people who believe in her. And I want her to know how proud I am of her bravery and her humility, and for doing her best tonight. While she did not bring home the crown, she was the rightful queen and the winner in the hearts of many spectators watching the show, mine included. I will miss her, and our secret meet-ups somewhere in a hotel basement just for some good night hugs. 

In a few days, she will be moving on to a much bigger pageant stage and I know she will continue to go far because she is Princess Merida of DunBroch personified. She loves her family, but she also wants to create her own destiny and go after her dreams. And I believe she is destined for something really great and exciting, if she will just continue to believe in herself.

Sometimes, I feel like I don’t deserve to have someone as remarkable, as considerate, and as kind like her in my life. I know that I have continuously upset her with my erratic mood swings, I feel I do not even deserve any more minute of her time. But then again, it would be difficult as well to conceive a day and a world without her in it.

She is a precious gift from above, the daughter I never had.  

Love does a lot of things for a lot of people. It also allows us to make memories that last for a lifetime. I pray that Ate Charo – for a very long time – will continue to be one of the reasons why my life is beautiful, happy (and a little snappy at times). 

One day, when we both look back to this point in our existence, to these moments when certain things happened in our lives, I hope we could both proudly say that it has been an uplifting, encouraging, and strengthening experience for the both of us. 

There will never be another Ate Charo in my lifetime. I hope that whenever she remembers me, the first things that will come to her mind are love and kindness. I will keep my promise to be there for her for as long as she needs me in her life...which is like forever, I hope.

So what would my life be if Ate Charo did not even exist in my world? 

As in the wonderful musical selection, "For Good" from the play "Wicked" says:

"I've heard it said, 
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those 
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you.
I have been changed for good...

So, let me say before we part:
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you.
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By simply being my friend."

I love you Ate Charo. You are my beloved...treasured..cherished. 

A Mother's Love

I just came across a heartwarming email from a friend who quoted the note of Erma Bombeck about A mother's Love which I want to share with you - just in time for Mother's Day this coming Sunday.

A mother's love is as big as a house, deep as an ocean, constant as the stars.

A mother's love is all encompassing, all knowing and all forgiving.

It is home. And yet as big as it is, a mother's love remembers all the details

and knows the littlest things can be the most important ---

like how much chocolate should be mixed with milk, when to offer advice and when to be still,

and just the right squeezing that makes the perfect hug.

From the biggest moments down to the sweetest nothings,

a mother's heart stands at the ready to comfort, encourage, inspire, protect, and most of all, love.

Mother's LOVE shows us the way.

Mother's COURAGE can move mountains.

Mother's WISDOM holds you close.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment

slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

To my dearest Mother - the most perfect gift of a mom to us three - happy mother's day.

To my friends who make this world a much better place with their unfaltering mothering ways to their kids - happy mother's day.

To my husband, Edgar, who made me a mother to a wonderful, special kid in my only son EJ, thank you so much.

Close to 40

Just one more sleep and it's my birth month! How time flies quickly, with another decade to end, another chapter in my life to be written. Looking back, the most significant things in my life happened in my third chapter... fell so hard out of and in love... found my match... got pregnant... gave birth... got married... got in and out of the hospital because of some health problems... established sisterhoods... got recognized somehow professionally... the chapter when Fatima can say she finally grew up - and grew bigger - the chapter when she began to see things and the world around her differently.

This is the chapter when...

I came to understand that life hands you big blows but you have to be thankful for them for they make you a stronger person...

I began to appreciate the inner fulfillment of having to think of another's good first instead of my own...

I learned that sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut and keep your thoughts to yourself so as not to hurt other people and hurt yourself too in the process...

I came to realize that there is more to life than getting yourself bored to death doing the same thing over and over again...

I learned that when you forgive somebody who has wronged or hurt you, forgetting may not be easy but it won't hurt if you at least give it a try...

I recognized the wisdom that you don't necessarily have to force yourself to like somebody to be able to co-exist harmoniously with that person in the workplace...

I verified the veracity of the truth that stress can make you look older, give you gray hair, and worst of all give you unwanted pounds (this is what i hated the most!)...

I learned that saying sorry does not make you weak...

I knew that true friendships - like true love - would always survive... and

I realized it is your dreams - not your ambition - that will get you safely and happily where you are.

The Phenomenal Women in My Life

A few months from now, I will be breaching the fourth decade of my blessed – at times tumultuous – life. There are so many people, events and memories that made my journey worth traveling. And many of them have been given by the phenomenal women in my life…

My mother – Teacher Puring – the only mother I will ever have in my lifetime… my confidante… my “bestest” of best friends… my shopping partner… propagator of my faith… my perfect model of what a mother should be.

My grandmothers – Inang Ebiang and Inang Narda – who were doting and protective second mommies to me and my brothers when Teacher was busy helping my Daddy work for our family’s sustenance.

My cousin-friends – Mae, Raquel, Yayit, Dhine, Pinky, Lalaine, and Olive (bless her soul in heaven) – who have been my true-blooded sisters through and through.

My grade school best friend – Janet Sanchez (now German)– who shared the bittersweet joys and pains of childhood love and admirations.

My high school friends – Lele (high school best friend), Milmar, Espie, Carla, Fortune, Mavic, and Marie – (we named our barkada “Crazy 8” because we were all wacky and happy girls way back then). They made my high school days the most memorable episode of my life as a Paulinian student.

My college friends – Marietta, Ionice, Agnes, Jane and Gail – (we humored ourselves as “Gorillas in the Mist”, a take-off from the popular movie of Sigourney Weaver way back our College days in UST). They taught me priceless lessons on having fun, responsibility, patience, endurance, “time management” (yes Mayet, that and you know what I mean…), and maturity. Special mention also goes to Ethoinx, my soul sister who will always be that way to me forever…

My girl friends from Bulacan – Vhes, Rina, Joan, and Tita Delia – who were also my choir mates, gang mates, laughing and crying mates…

My true girl friends in the work place – PRIME days with bestwayne Elay, Mareng Lea, Mareng Illie Pie, Mamu Thelma, and the love of my life Imee… Marketing days with my one and only Sunshine Me-Anne, Ingrid, Lorena, and my forever sister, Lj. They are the reasons why I broke my vow to retire from the company after a decade of stress, have fun at work and still love and be passionate about what I do.

These extraordinary women shared bits and pieces of their precious life with me… helped me come full circle… be the woman I am today.

To these phenomenal women, I share a beautiful poem by Maya Angelou…

Phenomenal Woman


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Memories In My Treasure Box

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.” ~ The Wonder Years

What we remember from childhood we remember - forever.

My memories of childhood are all about being family… doing things together… going places together… playing together… messing up together… learning together… laughing and crying together… always together…

My fondest childhood memories and the lessons I learned from these are countless… for how can I ever forget:

…Tatang Domeng’s daily afternoon snack treats of “lugaw”, pandesal with peanut butter and other delicious munchies, to his more than 15 grandchildren all at the same time… (lesson: eating can be fun when food is equally shared.)

…Endless plays of jolens, “tumbang preso”, “luksong tinik”, and Chinese garter with my cousins and other playmates under the scorching heat of the sun… (lesson: the best games are those that make you sweat.)

…Tree climbing adventures (lesson: I had fear of heights when I was a kid. I learned the best way to conquer your fear is to do the things that scare you the most. The harder you fall, the more you are able to rise above your fears.)

…Trips to Antipolo every month of May to hear mass and thereafter have a sumptuous lunch at Hinulugang Taktak … (lesson: Family traditions should be anchored on faith. And the classic lesson there is a family that prays together, stays together. Family time is always quality time.)

…Summer vacations with the De Guzman and Delos Santos clans in different faraway places- Pogpog in Angat River, Hot Springs of Laguna, the cool waters of Mount Makiling, the summer capital city of Baguio… (lesson: Explore, explore and explore. Go places, experience a different world.)

…Compulsory afternoon siestas beside Inang Ebiang or else… (lesson: early on I was trained for power naps and yes they are beneficial… they make you more alert, help take out stress, and reenergize your body.)

…Unexpected visits of my Inang Ebiang to Sister Marina (Principal of the Elementary Department of St. Paul’s College of Bocaue) to complain about my Kindergarten teacher who gives confusing instructions to her students.(lesson: fight for what is right. In other words: “kapag may katwiran ipaglaban mo!”)

I can go on and on with the millions of beautiful childhood memories in my treasure box. And now that I have my own son to raise, I hope and pray he will collect the same happy memories I did when I was growing up.

Who I am now, what I have become as a person, are all because of the priceless lessons my childhood adventures and misadventures taught me. Growing up was fun and I will always treasure that in my heart.